When we first meet someone, usually- we are on our best behavior. It takes a bit of time before we allow that person to see anything other than our 'presentable' side.
The more we trust someone, the more we feel compelled to peel back layers of our thick skin and show them a filthy corner in our heart, a shit stain behind our toilet, so to speak.
We are usually very cautious about revealing these parts of ourselves. There's a vulnerability in showing our selfishness, our prejudices, our malice. There's a rawness to people when they are tired, hungry, scared, or in pain. The more you get to know someone, the more they let you in.
There are some people I've known for years- but they don't really know me. They think I'm so sweet. My husband gets angry when people say: "Oh, I just LOVE your wife!"
It's like he's angry that they don't hate me as much as he does.
But that's not quite right. He's angry because they aren't allowed to see the side of me that's disgustingly ugly. Believe it or not, my capacity for joy IS equally matched by my capacity for cruelty.
Really knowing someone, is seeing all sides of them- good and bad- and accepting them as they are. We can be so wounded and not even know it...
Until we are in a relationship where the space between us is inching tighter & tighter. There's almost no more room to move independently. We get 'touched' in a place where no one else has dared to go before- it's like a deep tissue massage. There are places that you didn't even know existed, but they are sore after the encounter.
I liken a marriage to a 3 legged race. You tie yourself to this person, and it doesn't matter who's faster, who's stronger, who smarter, who has better rhythm, who's more 'mature'... in this race of life- the two MUST co-operate. You have come onto the level of the other, get down & dirty with them in their fears, their superstitions. Tie yourself to them in a way that you must move the way they move, and they must move the way you move. Soon, you could be operating like one body. Or you could be off balance with a mouthful of sand.
How do people rehabilitate a dog that has been beaten & is now mean? Do we beat it more, every time that behavior shows up?
Why do we do that with people?
Why, when someone is on fire with rejection and punishment, do we try to put it out with more rejection and punishment? What they need is a water hose of acceptance & forgiveness... Oh, but it takes a very strong person to wield that hose.
C.S. Lewis said: "A weak man does not hit back because he is a coward...(I'm paraphrasing) but a strong man does not hit back because he is strong. But both appear the same outwardly. This, is the great humiliation of being a Christian."
I think this is what is meant by turning the other cheek.
When someone attacks you (like a beaten dog) can you show them the metaphorical 'hand print' on your cheek- see how much your actions hurt me? See how wounded I am by your indifference, your callousness? I'm willing to be vulnerable with you again (even though I'm scared shitless) & you may just strike me again, in my vulnerability- because I have set out to love you beyond all cost. Which means not protecting myself from you, but exposing my heart again. Even though it may result in another beating... but I'm choosing to extend my 'cheek' another time, hoping you will be gentle & careful with my bare heart.
Seeing the 'monster' in a loved one is a good thing. It means they trust you enough to show you a side of themselves that they aren't proud of. It probably didn't happen on purpose. They didn't plan ahead to reveal something so horrible about themselves. They are giving you pearls of wisdom about their deepest hurts. Will you treat that monster with the carefulness of a pearl? Or will you trample on it like a pig?
Please know that I am learning, trying to not be such a pig.
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